I feel like everything is just completely hopeless for us. Today we argued about breakfast. It’s just dragging along.. I love him with all my heart and he is the man of my dreams but I just can’t seem to do anything right. I don’t know what it is about me that just doesn’t think logically. I never put the pieces together and by the time that I do it’s too late. I don’t know anymore. It’s just stupid. How am I supposed to be with someone who has so much on me and they do nothing wrong. He is perfect and I am the biggest fuck up of all time. Someone just shoot me please.
Well well well.. I can honestly say that I am absolutely sick of this already.. This weekend was complete bliss.. come tuesday and everything I do irritates him. I was on my way to drop off a permission slip for my son when I was jokingly saying that he wouldn’t just do me anywhere in public and he got irritated. I being as stupid as I am didn’t notice that he was irritated until he clicked on me. Then.. I call back and apologize because I was trying to be the bigger person. Blah blah blah.. 5 minutes later. I say we should eat hooters but then I changed my mind because my jaw was killing me from eating all those damn pumpkin seeds the night before.. That irritates him. -________- It gets worse.. Then, I pick him up and take him to his fucking dentist appointment only to sit in silence get bitched at about how I always tell him we are gonna eat somewhere good and then change my mind. Seriously? Whatever.. we leave 3 hours later and I decide to drive to hooters which is like 45 min away.. We get there and he doesn’t wanna go inside. We sit there for about 2 hours as he pushes every fucking button in my car, messing with my mirrors, and almost breaking my visor.. I get annoyed and I turn the car on and drive home. We didn’t eat anything we just YELLED THE WHOLE RIDE TO HIS HOUSE! Then.. We get to his house and I have to pee so bad that it hurts.. I go inside his house after begging for 10 minutes because we are just sitting outside. I go pee and I walk to his room and the door is locked. I knocked like 5 times and nothing.. I admit I should have called but I was so hurt that it didn’t occur to me to call to open the door. I go to my car and just lose it to the point where I feel like I’m gonna pass out. I’m just so sick of it. I want to be with him but its every other day and the bad definitely out weighs the good. It’s just very discouraging. So instead of waiting in my car like a little bitch I go home. He calls me and asks why I left and blah blah and how today was a complete waste of time. I’m just so sick of it.. It’s not good for either one of us but we are too stupid to let it go. Someone just fix me so I can make this work please.
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Hmmm.. Well.. I guess we are right back to where we started.. You see… The complaint has always been change. Change the person I am to make this relationship work.. Let me tell you a little about myself.. I am a 22 year old, almost only child.. the reason I say this is because my mom had my brother when I was 17.. I spent 17 years of my life being an only child, getting everything I wanted. I threw a tantrum and I got what I wanted. Now as an adult with a little parasite of my own you would think I can’t do that.. That is where you are wrong dear reader.. I still get what I want and if I don’t get it then I am NOT happy. Now… back to this.. The boyfriend is a complete opposite. He was never given anything. He is a middle child. Now.. put those two together and it doesn’t work all the time. I am not used to being wrong, being told no, or giving in. My pride and ego are too big. That’s the problem and where the change must occur. Now this relationship is not a bad one.. Granted we argue but it is all because I am used to having these things.. He isn’t trying to change me to fit himself. He is trying to change a behavior that has been reinforced by past boyfriends.. He is trying to change a stubborn brat into a mature woman that means what she says.. It’s very simple.
Anyways.. I finally realized that that is what needs to change. An argument can be easily avoided if I just put the pride aside and actually make an effort to be with him. I still just don’t understand why he wants to still be with me. How could you not give up on someone who keeps fucking things up. If you went out knowing your significant other would be upset would you still do it?
Well I did. Stupid right. It’s common sense stuff! But somehow I got a chance and all I know is that I can’t fuck it up.
Let me fill you in on the details of this weekend… So, Friday I went to my cousins house to hang out which resulted in so many phone calls by him. We talked and it seemed like it was better.. I was genuinely happy to be on good terms because I felt like we were moving forward together.. Come saturday and we were on cloud 9.. We were all over each other basically having the best last day ever. We ended Saturday night with a kiss and a “Call me tomorrow morning”… I called this morning and right away it was an argument about me not listening to him and about not being able to find a sitter tomorrow.. Not once did I tell him to help me find a sitter all I did was ask what he was doing tomorrow.. We ended on a bad note.. He comes to my house and we both have attitude.. Its completely and utterly stupid.. Once here I feed him and he asks why I wasn’t ready.. To which I reply that we had to wait for my mom to come home anyways since I was watching my brother and I had to shower. Then he gets mad because I tell him a certain time and I am not ready when he tells me.
We finally leave and we get to the thrift shop but don’t go in because the baby is asleep and we usually wait when he sleeps to avoid any grouchy behavior. In the car we get into it again.. I start up the car and head home. I am trying to talk to him but only end up making up more excuses which makes everything worse.. He begins to talk to me in the most sarcastic tone ever, completely mocking me and I say, “Oh Shut the Fuck Up!”.. This is where it gets good. He slaps my glasses off.. snatches them from my hand when I catch then, snatches them from my hand and some how managing to cut my arm with them.. He breaks them into pieces and tries to storm out of the car which is in the middle of the street going 40mph.. I pull over and he gets out.. That’s all. I text him to never talk to me ever again.. I am more upset then heart broken.. A man has never laid a hand on me.. I don’t care how mad you are.. How far I push you.. You DO NOT put a single finger on me! EVER! So it’s over.. I don’t want to stop moving.. I don’t want to just sit and think because I know it’s gonna hit hard.. three years.. (shit).. three years of having this man in my life.. The ONLY man who I planned a life with.. The only man who sat down and planned our wedding with.. the only man to truly love me and I fucked it up so bad that I pushed him to the point of no return.
We were about 7 miles away from his car.. It took him about 2 hours to get to it.. I can’t believe how this ended.. It just hurts so bad.. And everyone says “You’ll get back together… if not now then later.” I hope and pray that it works out later.. But deep in my heart I know I will NEVER get a chance with him again.. with my Edgar.. my bug.. my lost love.
Not like anyone cares.. but.. turns out I might be getting a new car.. trading in my old car for something new.. a prius to be exact.. a black one.. I’m beyond excited but I keep playing his words back in my head over and over.. “It’s not fair that you’re the one that fucks up but you are still the one that gets to do shit.”
It isn’t fair that I’m out eating with my parents when all he gets to eat is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.. Since he quit his job he lost about 12 pounds.. all he eats is peanut butter and jelly and occasionally one big meal that I cook when I’m over there but when I don’t go because we are too busy fighting he doesn’t eat anything at all.. Since he quit his job I gained about 7 pounds.. I used to be under 100 and now I’m up to 112.. What is that?! And I can tell… I see it in my fat face and the fact that all my clothes fits me tighter.. I can literally feel my double chin growing… It’s gross but I can’t stop eating.. Work doesn’t help either because all we do is eat and get luncheons.. Ugh!
The car should be fun to see tomorrow though.. I need to clean my car out just in case! Super stoked!